When Kittens Go Viral Read online

  When Kittens Go Viral

  Darcy Pattison

  Illustrated by

  Nicole Standard

  Contents

  1. A Night of Destiny

  2. Day 1: Screen Test

  3. Day 2: Family Meeting

  4. Episode 1: Waiting on the Star

  5. Episode 2: Eyes Wide Open

  6. Talk it Out: Work

  7. Episode 3: Fraidy-Cat

  8. Talk it Out: I Love you

  9. MamaGrace’s Tutorial

  10. Big Words

  11. Odd Eyes

  12. Episode 4: The Eye of the Soul

  13. Talk it Out: The Camera

  14. Episode 5: Snow Angel

  15. Jazz is Still Ahead

  16. Talk it Out: The Groomers

  17. Talk it Out: The Mirror

  18. Jazz AGAIN

  19. Studying Acting

  20. Episode 6: Ghost Cat

  21. Talk it Out: Decisions

  22. Talk it Out: Lights

  23. Episode 7: Piano Cat

  24. Talk it Out: Dress Up Cat

  25. Roommates?

  26. Episode 8: Moving Day

  27. Talk it Out: A Mother-Daughter Chat

  28. Episode 9: Surrender

  29. Talk it Out: A Director-Actress Chat

  30. Episode 10: Dominoes

  31. Top Kitten

  32. The Golden Family

  Also by Darcy Pattison

  “‘Some cats,’ Shakespeare said, ‘are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon ‘em.’”

  * * *

  —CLEVELAND AMORY, The Cat and the Curmudgeon (1990), opening line

  * * *

  A Night of Destiny

  The Persian Kittens PittyPat—Golden Chinchilla Persian Angel—White Persian with Odd Eyes Quincy—Black Persian

  On a glittering night of destiny, a star was born.

  There lay a tiny Persian kitten.

  Pure white, she snuggled beside her littermates. Her sister, PittyPat, was a golden chinchilla Persian, who had squawked loudly upon her arrival. But she quickly curled up next to her sister and slept. Quincy was a black Persian, who nosed his sisters with curiosity before falling asleep.

  “Grace, are you okay?” asked a gruff voice. That was the Director of Majestic Kennels, a cat who knew something about stars and destiny.

  There came a warm purring, purring, purring. “Yes, I’m fine.”

  The kitten knew that was MamaGrace. The kitten didn’t know Gruff Voice and didn’t trouble herself about it. Instead, she slept.

  The video camera filmed her as she slept, her first screen test for Majestic Kennels.

  She stretched clumsily. So adorable.

  She rolled over. So sweet.

  She yawned.

  “Oh! Yowza!” said the gruff voice. “That white one? An angel!”

  The name stuck: Angel.

  All three kittens were cute.

  But Angel? She was a star in the making.

  Day 1: Screen Test

  I yawned and stretched, suddenly awake. Quincy, PittyPat, and I were heaped between MamaGrace’s outstretched legs.

  A gruff voice said something. I’d heard that cat voice yesterday when it asked if MamaGrace felt okay.

  Now, the gruff voice was purring. It said, “The screen tests are amazing. Yowza!”

  “Of course, Stanley,” MamaGrace said. “After all, they are my children. And their father was Albert Persian, the Golden Cat.”

  Stanley smelled like a cat, but not like MamaGrace, or Quincy or PittyPat. He smelled sweet and sharp. He said, “We’ll have the videos ready to upload in three days. Do we have permission to put the videos on KittyTube?”

  “No.” MamaGrace pulled a paw away from us kittens. She reached upward and flinched for some reason. “The kittens must decide.”

  “They can’t decide,” Stanley said. “They’re too young. Their eyes haven’t even opened yet!”

  “I know.” MamaGrace’s voice quivered, and then steadied. “But still I have to ask. And I’ll ask the children after every video if they want to do another. If they ever say no, then we’ll stop. No matter what.”

  Stanley’s voice thickened. “Yes. We’ll ask them after every video. But you have few choices right now. That white kitten—Angel—especially has a chance at becoming a star. If she can act.”

  I wondered, what was acting?

  Day 2: Family Meeting

  MamaGrace pulled us close to snuggle with her. “Let me tell you a love story.”

  We were two days old. I p-p-purred. “Mama! I can purr.”

  “Such a clever girl,” MamaGrace said. “Do you know what kind of cats purr best? Purr-sians! That’s us!”

  PittyPat tried to purr, but it came out as a squeak. But Quincy purred!

  Quincy and I purred and purred, cozy and comfy.

  MamaGrace said, “Enough purring now. I need to tell you about your father.”

  “Yes!” PittyPat said. “Where is he? When will we meet him?”

  “His name is Albert.” MamaGrace’s voice turned deep as she talked about our father. “He’s a tortoiseshell Persian with a red-and-golden coat. But it’s his golden eyes that make him such a great actor. He’s got golden eyebrows, a golden chin, and a lovely gold streak down his face.”

  I put my paw on MamaGrace’s leg. The longing in her voice thrummed through me. “You miss him?”

  “They called us the Golden Ones. Albert and I were the stars of KittyTube.”

  “What’s KittyTube?” I asked.

  “It’s our internet channel to show our cat videos. A dozen years ago, a kind inventor gave cats a cat-to-human speech translator. Since then, we’ve been in control of our videos. We hire human camera operators and film editors and everything else.”

  I shook my head in confusion. “But what about DaddyAlbert?”

  MamaGrace nodded. “Together, Albert and I have over half of KittyTube’s overall views. People liked watching us.”

  Quincy stood and bounced. “Where’s DaddyAlbert now?”

  “Something happened, and we needed to change jobs. Albert looked for other work. There’s a French cat video company called LeChat Carré. That means ‘The Square Cat’ in French. They promised Albert the lead part in a Puss and Boots movie.”

  I didn’t know what videos were, or French, either. Or lead parts or Puss and Boots. But it all made MamaGrace sad. I squirmed closer to her, wanting to comfort her.

  “We knew you kittens were coming, so I stayed here. Albert flew to France.” MamaGrace’s tone turned hard. “But the movie deal fell through. Albert is stranded, with no money to come home.”

  At her harsh voice, PittyPat, Quincy, and I shivered. We didn’t ever want MamaGrace mad at us.

  “So, that’s it. Albert needs to come home. But we’ve no money left,” she said.

  “What’s money?” PittyPat asked. “How do we get more of it?”

  MamaGrace sighed. For a moment, she was quiet. Her rough tongue caught my cheek. I liked how she cleaned me.

  “Money is what we use to buy food. Money pays for everything we do. I used to earn lots of money as an actress. But no more. You can’t see me yet,” MamaGrace said. “but…I’m ugly.”

  “Ugly?” That was a strange word.

  “A car ran over me last year,” she said.

  “What’s a car?” PittyPat said.

  “Later, when your eyes open, I’ll show you,” MamaGrace said. “For now, all you need to know is this: All our money is gone, spent on hospitals, doctors, and nurses. I limp, my right eye is blind, and my face is scarred. I was a great actress, the best…” Her voice caught, thick with heartache.

  I snuggled so h
ard against MamaGrace that I felt her racing heart. “Mama?”

  “It’s okay, Angel. I’m okay,” she whispered.

  I yawned. My eyes were so heavy. I’d been awake for at least fifteen minutes already.

  Finally she said, “I was a great actress, but no more.” She shook herself, a shiver that went from her ears to the tip of her tail. She stretched taller. “Now I’m a mother, and glad to be so.” She gave each of us a quick lick again.

  It tickled, so I purred.

  “But Albert is stuck in France. We need to bring him home. I’m asking for your help.”

  Eagerly, Quincy said, “What can we do?”

  PittyPat and I repeated together, “What can we do?”

  MamaGrace took a deep breath, her chest rising and falling. “You can try acting. The Director—he’s the cat in charge of Majestic Kennels—says each of you has a great presence on camera.”

  “Yes,” Quincy said. “Anything to bring our father home.”

  But PittyPat wanted more information. “What’s acting?”

  “It’s when you pretend to be someone else.” MamaGrace explained about video cameras and acting and lots more that I didn’t understand. But it didn’t matter. If MamaGrace wanted DaddyAlbert home, then I wanted DaddyAlbert home.

  In the end, we all said, “Yes.”

  It was decided. Quincy, PittyPat, and I would try acting. I would be an actress, just like MamaGrace.

  I think it was inevitable. We were the children of the top KittyTube stars ever to come out of Majestic Kennels, the Golden Ones.

  We were born to act.

  I was born to act.

  Episode 1: Waiting on the Star

  Quincy opened his eyes when he was nine days old, and charmed the world.

  The first thing he saw was a ball.

  He touched it, and it rolled away. He tumbled after it and tried to bite it.

  Quincy batted the ball around for two minutes and thirteen seconds before he got tired. Suddenly he trotted back to MamaGrace, lay down, and went promptly to sleep. His eyes-opening video already had thousands of views.

  Today we turned ten days old.

  I tried to open my eyes, but my eyelids were stuck fast. I patted at them, but MamaGrace stopped me.

  “Don’t open your eyes today, Angel,” MamaGrace said. “Let PittyPat have her turn.”

  That was hard. I wanted to act so DaddyAlbert could come home.

  When PittyPat opened her eyes, she talked and talked. She looked at something and meowed at it. She patted something else and meowed again. I could listen to her smooth voice for hours.

  We hoped for scads of views.

  But I wasn’t ready for all that.

  Let the world wait for this actress.

  Episode 2: Eyes Wide Open

  I turned eleven days old.

  I blinked. The lights shone straight at me.

  Oh.

  Bright things glared at me. Hard things.

  I couldn’t smell them. Worried, I shook my head and growled. It came out as a high-pitched squeak.

  I stepped backward till my tail touched MamaGrace.

  Quincy and PittyPat lay beside MamaGrace. Quincy’s eyes-opening video had over 10,000 views. PittyPat’s video had thousands of views.

  I closed my eyes.

  MamaGrace purred and talked at the same time. “No, dear. Keep your eyes open.”

  I turned to look at her.

  “No, dear. Never look away from the camera. Turn around. Let the world get a good look.”

  I spun around, but too fast. I tumbled to the ground, biting my tongue. Ouch! I swiped a paw across my mouth.

  From beyond the lights, a harsh cat voice shouted, “Do that again. Look at your mama, then turn back to the lights and fall down. But don’t put a paw across your mouth.”

  I trembled at the voice. “Who’s that, MamaGrace?”

  “It’s just the Director. See that red light? That means the video camera is shooting. When the red light is on, you do what the Director tells you.”

  I couldn’t see the Director, but I smelled him. Sweet and sharp. And I smelled the human camerawoman too. I looked around at MamaGrace. “I bit my tongue. That’s why I wiped my mouth with my paw.”

  “Does it still hurt now?”

  I moved my tongue around. “No.”

  “Then it’s nothing to worry about, dear.”

  “Why does the Director smell sweet and sharp?”

  “He eats peppermint candies. Now do what the Director said. Do it all again but keep your paws off your face.”

  Quivering, I turned back around to the lights and the Director.

  As before, my feet got mixed up, and I fell down.

  I looked up and blinked. And blinked. And blinked. The lights dazzled me.

  Had I done it right?

  “Wonderful!” called the Director. “That’s a wrap.”

  “What’s a wrap?” I asked.

  “That means you are finished acting for the day,” the Director said.

  “Good job, Angel,” MamaGrace purred.

  PittyPat and Quincy said, “Good job, Angel.”

  The family’s purring surrounded me and wound into my heart. I’d done a good job!

  “Now come here and snuggle.” MamaGrace rolled onto her back.

  I lay upon her soft chest, with Quincy and PittyPat beside me.

  MamaGrace’s heartbeat thumped. I loved her thumping heart.

  Someone—the Director—stood beside Mama-Grace. He didn’t have soft hair like Mama. He was a hairless cat.

  “She’s a natural. Yowza! Views will be sky high,” the Director said. “And she’s going to be a mixed-eye. One blue eye and one copper eye.”

  What do blue and copper mean? I wondered.

  “You can’t see her permanent eye color yet,” MamaGrace said.

  “I can,” said the Director. “I know.”

  Mama purred louder. “Then we have a chance.”

  “Depends. Poplin Cat Foods is interested in a sponsorship. They’ll pay to support KittyTube for six months. But they want a star for the Kitten Adoption Month promotions. Can she do it? Can she become Top Kitten?”

  “She’ll do it,” MamaGrace said. “She has to. We need the money to bring Albert home.”

  I wanted to listen to the Director. But I was too sleepy.

  Purr-r-r-r-r-r.

  Talk it Out: Work

  I poked Quincy and PittyPat. “What’s work?”

  “Go away,” Quincy mumbled. “I’m sleeping. It’s been a long day under the lights.”

  We were four weeks old now. Every day, MamaGrace took us to a soundstage for acting. I wanted to understand why we had to be actors and actresses.

  “You sleep too much,” PittyPat told Quincy.

  Quincy did a fake snore. “Like I always say…”

  PittyPat finished it for him: “…laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.”

  “Exactly,” said Quincy. He rolled over and curled up to sleep.

  “Let’s sit in the sun and talk,” I told PittyPat.

  We lived in the largest penthouse apartment of Majestic Kennels. It was so big that fifty kittens could’ve slept there, but it only belonged to my family. Windows looked out over the city in all directions. PittyPat and I liked to sit on the wide windowsill in the sunshine, warm and lazy.

  Once, I slept on the windowsill. I woke up often that night to watch the city lights blinking below me. I wondered how many other cats were in the city of Kittywood.

  Hollywood, California, was the famous home of the U.S. film industry. Bollywood was the home of film in India. Kittywood was the home of the cats who produce and act in videos. Ever since cats got the cat-to-human-speech translator, the cats controlled all the videos featuring a cat. Kittywood snuggled in a hidden valley in a forgotten part of the U.S. It’s home to the five biggest video cat companies:

  Majestic Kennels

  Cardinal Kennels

  Fox K
ennels

  Wells Brothers Kennels

  Malachi-Glenys Kennels

  The cats hired humans to film and edit the videos and do other jobs. Groomers kept the stars’ coats in shape. Cleaners kept the kennels clean and sweet-smelling. And chauffeurs drove cats here and there.

  Kittywood’s city parks were planted with catnip, and cat families strolled the streets. It was a city built for cats and those who love us.

  “What’s work?” I asked PittyPat again.

  “Work is when you do what the Director says,” PittyPat said. “For us, work is acting in a cat video.” She watched me through half-closed eyes.

  “But why is it called work?”

  “Because we do what the Director asks. Then he lets us live in this penthouse. It’s an exchange. We do something for him, and he does something for us.”

  I thought about that. “He brings MamaGrace food. What if we don’t work?”

  A shiver went through PittyPat. “MamaGrace is scared of that. If we don’t work or if we don’t get enough views…well, we’ll have to leave. No food and no house.”

  I thought about that. I didn’t want to leave Majestic Kennels. I was learning to act, like DaddyAlbert. I wanted him to come home soon. MamaGrace watched his old videos with us. When he acted, it didn’t look like work. It looked like fun.

  I did like acting. But I needed to understand it better. Maybe DaddyAlbert could help.

  “Do you like acting?” I asked PittyPat.